why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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