Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Two words: nipple clamps
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