I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
