How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
