oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
