You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
