dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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