I think my fart just growled at me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
