After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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