The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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