Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
