I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
