i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
