i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
