Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
