she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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