Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
