You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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