What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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