I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
