Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I look better un-naked...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
