dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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