Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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