Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
