I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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