I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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