Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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