I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
