i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
