When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
how drunk are you?
Several
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
