I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
