We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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