shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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