I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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