Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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