Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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