It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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