Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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