The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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