Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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