i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
