this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
