good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
