You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
