just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
