this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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