I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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