how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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