haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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