i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
