Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
