Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
