what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
