I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
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So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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