Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
