apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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