I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
